A Gift For Your Valentine
In my work as a therapist and as pastor one of the goals to which I am committed is doing what I can to make relationships work. . It is not important only for relationship to simply survive: they need to thrive. There is one thing which each person can do to make that happen. Focus on yourself. Christian scripture tells us that we should love our neighbors as ourselves. One of the ways to love ourselves is to closely examine ourselves.
That is hard to do. In so many relationships each party is saying that he/she knows what the problem with the relationship is: it is my partner. When they change and do it right our relationship will be fine. But, since that is the way that each partner in the relationship thinks at exactly the same time that approach to relationship problems is destined to make matters worse. Hence, self focus. If each partner focuses on the other than the gift you will give each other on this Valentine’s Day is a less than healthy relationship.
Quickly, a couple of things you want to do to start this process. Focus on your strengths and build on them. Examine your beliefs about relationships; are yours the same or different than your partners? Learn from each other what your differences are. If the problems you are having persist let each of you look at what you are trying to do together and separately to solve the problem; it could be that their needs to be a new approach to solving that problem. Let each of you take responsibility to look for new solutions.
What a lot of folks in relationships don’t realize is that keeping the relationship in a “thriving” mode takes a lot of work. Part of the Valentine’s Day gift you can give to each other is to let each other know how important your relationship is and talk about what each of you is doing for your relationship. Because life is constant change this is a constant task. Also, remember that there is not a single truth; each of you came into the relationship having learned life the “right way” and so you will need to discuss the “two right ways” to make your relationship work the best way for you. Finally, it is not our partner who is the problem; you have a part to play in the problem as well. But the good news in that, and gift for you partner is, that you know you need to look at yourself and make some changes and that demonstrates how much you care about yourself in this relationship and your partner. Happy Valentine’s Day!!
Dr. Paul Melrose
