Just since Christmas I have gotten several requests and inquries about my anger management program. Anger is something we are born with; it just never goes away. And, indeed, it should not. Directed anger shows the passion and the strength about how one believes in someone or something and provides the energy necessary to move your life on. Of course there are many pitfalls with anger. The bad press of anger comes from what we saw growing up by our caregivers and other adults, whether messages about behavior were consistent with what actions we observed, and whether or not we were victims of misdirected or out of control anger, the worst of which could be physical or sexual abuse.

Part of people's frustration with working on their anger is that they want some techniques to simply make it go away. But the anger is deeply inbred in us. It has been and was learned over a long period of time. It cannot change or go away quickly. But herein lies the good news; it is believed that anger was learned. It is therefore true that with time and commitment and practice other tactics for the use of anger can be learned. Depending on one's interest the events that taught one their approach to or response to anger can also be revisited to soothe the long time emotional, psychological and spiritual wounds that still fester. Often times it is these historical wounds which continue our anger in the expression of it which concerns us. Figuring out where the anger has come or is coming from is one task. The other task is how to manage the anger. Here are some suggestions common to many anger management programs:

1. Learn that anger is a feeling or emotion; it can range from mild to severe. Aggression is behavior intended to cause harm or injury. Hostility is the attitude or judgement that motivates aggression.

2. Learn when anger becomes a problem for you and what the payoffs and consequences are. The payoffs usually talk about immediate relief. Too much attention there does not allow a person to think about the long term consequences, many with dissasterous effects.

3. Challenge the myths about anger. Here are some. Anger is inherited, No.
   Anger automatically leads to aggression. No, there are other ways to manage anger. You don't have to be aggressive to get what you want; it is okay to be assertive. Venting anger is seldom, if ever desirable.

4. Break the anger habit. Here is where you need to learn what raises your anger level. Become aware of the thoughts that influence your becoming angry. And then put a plan into place to manage your anger effectively.

Some steps in the process of breaking the anger habit are:

1. Learn what events trigger anger. Become aware of your physical, behavioral emotional and cognitive cues.

2. Learn your aggression cycle

3. Choose not to react but think through your response.

4. Learn time outs, and relaxation techniques.

5. Learn meditation and imagination techniques.

6. Learn what event stimulates your anger, what you tell yourself about the event, how you feel after you have talked to yourself about the event, and what are your beliefs and feelings about yourself in relation to the event.

7. Be assertive, Decide if there is a dispute you need to resolve with another person or should you simply let it go and walk away. You will notice that even letting something go is harder than it might seem.

8. `Recall where in your family your anger came from. Decide how much you are repeating old patterns that no longer work

It is not enough just to do these things once to control your anger. After you learn these or other similar approaches practice, practice, practice. Managing anger is like learning any kind of skill or talent you want to be good at. If it is important to you can make it happen.

Dr. Paul J. Melrose is Parish Assistant at the Milford Presbyterian Church and Director of Clinical Services at the Samaritan Counseling Center of SE Michigan. He can be reached at www.paulmelrose.com or through 248-474-4701. The staff of the center can be reached at www.samaritancounselingmichigan.com or through 248-474-4701.
 

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