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In childhood one of the most difficult issues can be the issue of attachment. When a child’s growth and development is disrupted in one of several ways a child can poor or limited in skills, mostly on his/her own, about how to try to attach, bond, or become close with others in his or her own lives. What is sometimes an issue for adults, either in their primary relationships of family or the person they are partnered with, is the making of good and healthy relationships that will be satisfactory and last. It is not uncommon to work come upon individuals, who whether they be living alone and keep to themselves in many ways, or people who feel lonely and isolated even in and amongst social settings find they that they struggle to make healthy relationships. Some of this can be described as trying to “attach” to others in their lives.
One definition of Attachment Disorder, form the Institute for Attachment and Child Development, describes it as a “condition in which individuals have difficulty forming loving, lasting intimate relationships.” What I discover, when working with couple or families, or even individuals, is that they may have had insufficient parenting, or contact with caring people growing up, not necessarily through traumatic events, which simply did not give them enough of the tools as they might have needed or wished, to feel comfortable and secure in relationships. They are not able initially to find sufficient happiness, satisfaction, or companionship. They find that those around them, or their partner, do not give them what they need.
What sometimes happens is that persons find that they may be going about the creating and maintaining or relationships that are not helpful to themselves or the other with whom they are in relationship. How often is that upon close examination an adult can find that he/she does not feel sufficiently secure and loved, does not feel that they are being encouraged by their partner or other others close to them to reach their potential, that the relationships that they are in feel mutual and reciprocal, they feel overly stressed or anxious, or that they fear becoming self reliant. It is not unusual to struggle with issues of trust, find oneself too impulsive at times, struggle with empathy and affection (either to give it or receive it), and while superficially charming or engaging may fear getting to close because that façade may crumble.
All of us struggle to some extent with these issues. In our relationship to God, to families, to friends, we want from the other but may not recognize one of the places which needs attention, ourselves. This kind of issue can be addressed. It is useful to read about attachment, though it may be hard to find this issues addressed in adult books. But looking how one makes’ friends, or life partners is another topic to consider. Faith communities or support groups often have the capacity to be places of patience and acceptance. If these are problems for you, call a professional for a conversation. We are gregarious people; our lives are lives in relationship. Let’s not deprive ourselves from the satisfaction and happiness, which can be ours.
Dr. Paul Melrose is the Director of Clinical Services at the Samaritan Counseling Center of SE Michigan. He can be reached at www.paulmelrose.com or through 248-474-4701.
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