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For the growing number of people who have just been divorced or are thinking of leaving a troubled marriage and are experiencing loneliness, depression and confusion, there is a group that can help.
But the group is not for ladies. This group is only for men. A six-week group primarily for 40- to 59-year-old men who are divorced or who are leaving a marriage after many years is offered by Dr. Paul Melrose, senior staff therapist and former director of the Foundation for Religion and Mental Health.
“I’m trying to fill a need out there,” Melrose said. “One major advantage for men to attend the groups is to have a place to be with professionals and colleagues who are in a similar experience, in a supportive fashion.”
A lack of divorce support groups for men, shortage of professional input, feelings of loneliness and a need by men to discover what their peers have been through in dealing with a troubled marriage are some of the reasons why Melrose has formed the group for men.
Melrose said a major contributing reason to a failed marriage is the pressure men feel to take on a traditional role to bring income in for the family, in a society where loyalty to one company is no longer a standard.
“Men are facing more problems in the workplace and hence are taken away from their partner and family life,” Melrose said. “Men want to be a major contributor to the home scene but may not know the purpose of family life.”
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According to the National Center for Health Statistics (NCHS), 4.3 divorces occurred per 1,000 population nationwide in 1996, which amounts to over 1.1 million marriages ending in divorce in 1996.
For children, Melrose said the effects of a failed marriage are almost always negative.
“It is negative for children because the family they always knew is no longer there,” Melrose said.
He said men 60 and older are more likely to stay in a marriage because they may have thought about divorce as a solution to a failed marriage. However, many men between 40 and 59 believe if one marriage is ruined, then perhaps a second marriage could work.
Some men may believe the reasons why the first marriage ended are the solutions to making a second marriage effective, “but it may not always work,” Melrose said.
A 1988 NCHS statistic revealed 43 percent of new marriages ended in divorce.
Melrose said “bouncing into a relationship and then rushing into a marriage” is a contributing reason why new marriages fail. After a divorce, men may experience deep financial problems, estrangement from children and a difficulty in maintaining a professional life, according to Melrose.
“Some men experience crises of meaning and purpose,” he said. “They may ask themselves, ‘now what do I do?’”
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Melrose said one solution is for men to learn to value their needs.
“Men need to further the process of whatever self-doubt they have, and learn to come to terms with it and move forward,” Melrose said.
A pastoral psychotherapist for over 20 years, Melrose has worked with men both in groups and as individual clients. He has addressed issues including the place of men in the family, the importance of the father-son relationship and men questioning their professional lives because of changes in the workplace.
Melrose is a graduate of Wesleyan University, Union Theological Seminary, Blanton-Peale Graduate Institute and the Andover-Newton Theological Seminary.
For information and to make an appointment for an initial interview to discuss the group, call Dr. Paul Melrose at (248) 474-4701.
Reprinted from The Randolph Reporter, February 4 1999
MEN’S DIVORCE RECOVERY | ANGER-ANXIETY-ASSERTIVENESS