Forgiveness and Relationships |
It is common for people to speak of forgiveness, especially in couple relationships. It either should happen or should not. People speak about it and expect it to be there at will. When, in fact, forgiveness can be a long and complicated process. Even spiritually forgiveness gets misused. The Bible, both Hebrew and Christian Bible, describe a God of forgiveness; Jesus promises it. So, when we want it it should be available. And it should be ok for us not to forgive if we don’t want to.
It is true that forgiveness is an individual decision. But is has some aspects to it, I was reminded about in some reading I did recently, that I want to share. The Smalley Center and several other authors point to being able to forgive and to let go of past hurts is a critical tool for a marriage relationship. Additionally, being able to forgive is a way to keep you healthy both emotionally and physically. There are healthy aspects to forgiveness. If you hold on to old hurts, disappointments, petty annoyances, betrayals, insensitivity, and anger, you are wasting both your time and your energy. Nursing a perceived hurt can eventually make it in to something more - hate and extreme bitterness. Lack of forgiveness can wear you down. Additionally, being unforgiving is not good for either your physical or your mental well being.
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Here are some steps one author has for how to forgive.
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Be open.
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Make a decision to forgive your spouse.
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When images of the betrayal or hurt flash in your mind, think of a calming place or do something to distract yourself from dwelling on those thoughts.
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Don't throw an error or mistake back in your spouse's face at a later date.
William Menninger wrote (In "The Process of Forgiveness"):
Forgiveness, then, is not forgetting. It is not condoning or absolving. Neither is it pretending nor something done for the sake of the offender. It is not a thing we just do by a brutal act of the will. It does not entail a loss of identity, of special ness, or of face. It does not release the offenders from obligations they may or may not recognize. An understanding of these things will go a long way towards helping people enter into the forgiveness process.
Engaging in the tough process of forgiveness can give you and your partner more of a chance of a greater and healthier relationship.
Dr. Paul J. Melrose is Executive Director of the Samaritan Counseling Center of SE Michigan. He can be reached at www.paulmelrose.com or through 248-474-4701. The Staff of the Samaritan Counseling Center can be reached at www.samaritancounselingmichigan.com or through 248-474-4701.