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With all that I have written in these columns in the last several years I have never shared any thoughts on grandparenting. Until it began to take on a personal meaning. Grandparenting is just around the corner. I will join an increasing number of adults who, ready or not, are entering this next phase of life. Grandparenting today is perhaps even more complex than in previous generations. Grandparents in the community will be right there for the child. Step grandparents create new numbers of older persons who have a bond with the new baby or young children. Many grandparents live at a distance from their grandchild or grandchildren; they have the challenge of being involved less frequently with their newest family members.
When one looks at family systems one can view the influences, traditions, behaviors, patterns, religious or spiritual values which are passed down through the family. And grandchildren will receive those realities. Grandchildren grow up as the next generation of the family. What part they play in that and how they receive their heritage has as much to do with their grandparents as their parents.
A recent Supreme Court decision affirmed the rights of parents over grandparents so that grandparents cannot interfere with the raising of the grandchildren so long as the child is adequately cared for. The saddest situation is when the grandchild or grandchildren somehow find themselves as pawns in a battle either between feuding parents, where the grandparents get dragged in, or in a dispute between parents and their parents over time and influence which the grandparents seek with their grandchildren. In all of this the wisdom of spiritual and religious teaching may be lost. Such teachings often provide, if nothing else, time tested and proven guidelines for this very special and wonderful relationship.
Anne Morse summarizes several religious traditions and their views toward grandparents for us. In Judaism respect for elders is taught. Jewish parents are expected to teach respect for the grandparents. But in cases of conflict it is their responsibility to raise the children in accordance with their faith. That responsibility supersedes the rights of grandparents.
Christianity understands that grandparents play an important part in the raising of grandchildren. Christian parents have a duty to have their children benefit from the experience and wisdom of the elders. Grace is to be mediated in relationship disputes such that as much as possible, in conflicts of all kinds - even faith differences, the relationship between grandparents and their grandchildren should continue.
In Islam it is assumed that grandchildren and their grandparents have a relationship independent from the parents. Only in cases of harm to the grandchildren would that be changed. In Buddhism a less direct idea is that grandparents can be considered teachers for their grandchildren.
The point to be raised is that grandparents, too, have an important role to play in the care of the next generation. It is affirmed by history. But it requires care, grace, and even creativity to adapt it for each generation. Enjoy this next stage in life. Some of us will see our grandchildren only occasionally. Others of us are involved day to day in many ways. All of us have much to give these special people, as well as much to learn from them.
Dr. Paul Melrose is Executive Director of the Samaritan Counseling Center of SE Michigan. He can be reached at www.paulmelrose.com or through 248-474-4701. The staff of the center can be reached at www.samaritancounselingmichigan.com or through 248-474-4701. The Center can provide counseling for parents, grandparents, and grandchildren seeking to improve their relationships.
Paul J. Melrose, D. Min, LMFT
Executive Director
Samaritan Counseling Center of SE Michigan
29887 West Eleven Mile Road
Farmington Hills, MI 48336
(voice) 248-474-4701
(fax) 248-474-1518
www.paulmelrose.com
www.samaritancounselingmichigan.com
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