In the New Year everyone talks about resolutions; people seem to want to change things for the better. Sometimes people focus on what they would like to change about themselves, either behaviors, or attitudes or beliefs. To look at what we want to change about ourselves one of the places which we must look at is our family; we are already recipients of a legacy which we pass on to our children. Families have a way of passing down over the generations themes, roles, rules, and beliefs. One family therapist notes that we continue these patters because we remain loyal to them. But, what the family has given to us is not always positive. There may be patterns of physical or sexual abuse, of alcoholism, or of such rules as “Children should be seen and not heard”. Inquiry into families demonstrates that often these patterns can be traced over three generations. If you are serious about making changes in yourself, and as a byproduct, developing a positive legacy to pass on to your children, there are three things, which you can do.

David Olsen, at our sister Samaritan Counseling Center of the Capital Region, Albany, New York suggests three ideas that I would like to share with you. To make changes in yourself and in the legacy you will leave you must examine the patterns, which you have been given. In contrast to the attitude of “I want it fixed now”, this examination not only takes time, to discover what these patterns are, but because they took several generations to evolve, they will take several generations to modify. You, however, through this examination and changes you implement for yourself, will make a wonderful start. First, Dr. Olsen suggests, construct a family tree that will illustrate, over three generations, who the people were, how they related to others, and what events impacted their lives. Talking to older relatives will help this exploration. In this way you will uncover family patterns, such as “ the good child”, or the “little man”, the overly responsible one. Learn the rules, which developed about conflict, intimacy, success and what it means, and how adults parent. These rules from the family seep into our marriages unknown. Explore what key triangles you are involved in. As Dr. Olsen says when things get tense in any relationship a third party is brought in. This takes the wind out of the potential conflict; it also suggests that a problem does not get resolved. Such things as talking to children about adult problems, staying late at the office, or drinking too much can be triangles. Try to disengage yourself from them. 

Secondly as you gain insight though the above research and exploration start to notice and practice changing those behaviors which are destructive, which cut into the potential of possibilities and relationships. This practice helps everyone to relate more honestly and to realize greater opportunities in terms of what life has to offer.

The third step is to practice these new behaviors around the family from which they became. When you can become non reactive to comments, stresses, and behaviors which evoke destructive thoughts, feelings or behaviors in you then you are becoming a differentiated person, one who can calmly be him/herself regardless of what is going on; you are able to withstand the subtle pressure to engage in old behaviors.

This change is hard to do; it is hard to be disloyal to these old behaviors. If you do not confront these behaviors in the ways described above then you continue the old patterns. Dr. Olsen says that change comes from exposing yourself to greater levels of anxiety, learning to hold on to who you are and non- reactively forming individuals relationships with family members. A coach, or therapist, may be necessary if the going gets really rough. The hopeful legacy, as well as the new year’s resolution about change which you can give yourself, is to learn where you came from and gain insight into what is helpful and unhelpful; when you learn this you can go home again.

For the New Year, Dr. Olsen suggests, do three things: 1. Focus on changing yourself, rather than your partners. For example if you normally withdraw emotionally in the relationship, try to state your feelings more often. 2. If you need some assistance look for classes or courses, which are occasionally taught at the Samaritan Counseling Center of SE Michigan, that will help. Maybe engaging a therapist will be useful. 3. Look for a parenting workshop to attend, to enable you to become the best possible parent you can be for your kids. Whatever gift you give yourself in these areas which will also be a gift for those whom you love. 

This article first appeared in the Observer Eccentric Newspapers in Southeastern Michigan.

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