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A Happy Long Term Marriage is the goal that most married couples have set for
themselves. Many marriage services include the phrase “til death do us part”, or
something similar to state the intent that this relationship is for the long
term. Another phrase found in Christian ceremonies states that “what God has
joined together let no one separate”. So, that once the marriage covenant, or
agreement, has been made, and in Jewish services and some Christian services,
the documents signed before the congregation, the couple has declared their
hopes, intentions, and commitment that this is not just a dream but a reality
they expect to attain. These 5 principles, from Olsen and Stephens, help to keep
a long term marriage in focus.
Principle 1: Commitment – This involves taking the long view of marriage. By
taking the long view you declare your intention to work through problems, crises
and even heartaches. You put aside the myth that there is an ideal soul mate out
there; you focus on who you are in relationship to your partner. Commitment
means that you will fall in and out of love. Love is a verb. See what you can do
to change yourself. Change yourself along the lines of how would I like my
marriage to be. Treat your partner that way.
Retain your integrity. Be who you are. That means you are clear on your
boundaries, and you keep your word. You are honest. You trust yourself and your
partner.
Principle 2: Life is Difficult – Do not surrender when you are discouraged.
Because life always changes there will always be ups and downs, both anticipated
and unanticipated. You must constantly nurture your relationship to help get
through the tough times and really enjoy the good ones. You must be able to
adapt. Crises can push people apart. It will never be the same; what must you do
to move with and through change. Celebrate when you have come through a tough
moment.
Principle 3: Self-Focus and Self-Definition – Always ask yourself, what did I
contribute to this interaction, be it argument or agreement. This allows you to
see what you brought to the relationship and how appropriate or helpful it
continues to be. It may be time to change it or rework part of yourself. Even in
the bad times and when you are anxious be sure to define yourself. Know what you
believe and stand for as you face a situation. Your self definition may need to
change but at least you know where you start. Intimacy is only really achieved
when two people know intimately who they are. You must be sure and confident of
yourself. You cannot become your partner wants you to become. You can only be
yourself.
Principle 4: Be Proactive, Not Reactive - Don’t respond automatically but think
about how you can be the best for yourself, and the relationship in the given
situation. Watch yourself; don’t wait. Move toward your partner. You begin the
repairs.
Principle 5: Acceptance – Accept your partner for who he/she is. That is what
you crave for yourself; that is also what your partner wants. Don’t accept
unacceptable behavior. But don’t try to change your partner’s personality. See
your partner for who he/she is. Work toward giving your partner a gift many
religious traditions talk about: acceptance.
These are not magic tricks. But these principles are guides to help you shape
and hopefully give long life to your marriage.
Dr. Paul J. Melrose is Executive Director of the Samaritan Counseling Center of
SE Michigan. He can be reached at www.paulmelrose.com or through 248-474-4701.
The Staff of the Samaritan Counseling Center can be reached through
www.samaritancounselingmichigan.com or 248-474-4701. Samaritan Counseling Center
has courses and programs for premarital counseling.
Paul J. Melrose, D. Min, LMFT
Executive Director
Samaritan Counseling Center of SE Michigan
29887 West Eleven Mile Road
Farmington Hills, MI 48336
(voice) 248-474-4701
(fax) 248-474-1518
www.paulmelrose.com
www.samaritancounselingmichigan.com
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