Neighbors |
When Fred Rogers died several years ago I wrote a column called “About My Neighbor”. In it I reflected on how Mr. Rogers, through the quiet and low key atmosphere and message of his TV show, gave so many children and families a chance to feel good about themselves, know that they were valued and of value just for who they are, and that the whole world could and hopefully would be our neighborhood. That has come back to me now as the Multi Cultural Multi Racial Commission of the cities of Farmington and Farmington Hills has invited people to start having porch parties to discover who is actually in your neighborhood. Do you know your neighbors? How different are they from you? How similar are they to you? Why would I even want to know?
You might want to know for practical reasons. Your neighborhood can be an attractive place to live and work if all of its residents work together. If you know your neighbors it can improve neighborhood safety to have your neighbors watch your property when you are away. You might find your neighbor has a skill which can help you with a project. Your neighbor might find that since you have lived in the community longer you might have some suggestions as to where to find a service of some kind like hairdresser, or medical needs or a house of worship or the nearest YMCA.
The notion of coming to know your stranger even has a parallel in your inner life. As a survival tactic or coping skill the ego has a way of distancing the conscious self from parts of the personality which seem painful, able to inflict pain, or generally have qualities which do not help in relationships and general public acceptance. These parts of us are either hidden or only come into play in extreme circumstances or they take the form of being such a part of us that while we are familiar and just know us as the way we are others might find us difficult to relate to. One example: depression. Many who are depressed either deny it consciously or have developed ways to cope which pushes the depression away. But in either of those cases the depression, an integral part of ourselves because it is in our hardwiring, our experience, is a stranger and not a neighbor. The basic technique in therapy for treating depression, or any other parts of our lives that might be problematic, is to make them known, to “meet them”, to understand more about that part of ourselves, to become “neighbors” with the part of ourselves we don’t like. Rather than be ruled by fear, or ignorance or uncertainty or denial we can reach out to meet this part of ourselves. In the meeting and learning about that part of ourselves the personality heals a “split”, becomes more unified, and more energy focuses on the unity and common goal of the health and strength of the person.
This psychological process is a bit like what can happen in our neighborhoods where we live, or across neighborhoods, or across cities, states, countries, cultures within and among religious communities. Simplistic? Perhaps except that when walls are broken down, and people move away from fear and learn to trust, both them and their neighbors, the peace of the community broadens and strengthens. Just some thoughts as we think about whether or not to host either neighborhood parties in our own neighborhood or take a look within ourselves to meet the stranger there.
Dr. Paul J. Melrose is Executive Director of the Samaritan Counseling Center
of SE Michigan. He can be reached at www.paulmelrose.com or through
248-274-4701. The staff of the Samaritan Counseling Center can be reached at
www.samaritancounselingmichigan.com or through 248-474-4701.
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