Reconciliation
I travel in circles where I hear people, both in mental health and in religious work, say that there needs to be reconciliation. Reconciliation may mean, to these people, to bring a sense of peace to a situation or relationship, or to restore a balance previously held. In a religious sense, Reconciliation, as it derives its meaning from the Christian tradition, means an act or overture to bring back together those who have become estranged. Reconciliation then becomes applied to one’s relationship to God, to one’s congregation, to one’s spouse, partner, child, or parent.
Some of have said that it is the function of pastoral care, of which pastoral psychotherapy is a part, to work to reestablish broken relationships. To reestablish relationships which are broken one must use some combination of forgiveness and discipline. Forgiveness plays the role of no longer holding one or the other responsible for the conditions under which estrangement occurred. Discipline is required to both think beyond the hurt which might have caused the rift and to practice behaviors which will promote and continue the reconciliation which one wants to achieve and then to maintain.
One definition of sin is that it is a break between a person and God. Those who wish to reconcile, and this is the divine invitation from God for the Christian Community, seek to reestablish trust by overcoming some kind of injury or insult that has devalued one party or the other. When reconciliation has happened somehow the discord is over. Reconciliation is both a gift and a choice. For the Christian reconciliation is a gift from God; it is a choice for one to accept this gift. But this invitation is also an example of how reconciliation can be achieved, when one person decides it is right to offer reconciliation and makes that wish known.
Here are some things one can do to offer reconciliation: find ways to promote reconciliation with the estranged one. God offers us that gift; confession, prayer, and a renewed commitment to your religious community may be some ways to accept that gift. Between persons the same kind of process needs to happen so that while there may continue to be difference of opinion there can still be a restoration of the relationship.
Sometimes reconciliation is misunderstood; it comes out as if the other pays and than reconciliation is possible. The parties to a possible reconciliation must take seriously their own responsibility, both in the creation of the break and in what it would take on their part to restore the relationship. Looking at one self to determine one’s own responsibility opens the door to reconciliation.
Forgive the other, even as for the religious individual the gift of Forgiveness has happened. Recall the hurt. Empathize with the other. Remember when you were forgiven and what it meant to you. Make a verbal commitment to forgive. Hold onto forgiveness; don’t let embittered memories tear it away.
The relationship became estranged over something or things, which were perceived as negative; the negative perception must be reversed. To do that the partners must try to reengage emotionally, recall positive things that have occurred. At the same time focus on positive qualities of the other party.
Trust does not return overnight. As you work on reconciliation let there be room for mistakes, which may look like untrustworthiness. Work on relapse prevention so that if you fall down you can pick yourself up again. Along with rebuilding trust one must have a positive view about rebuilding love. One can and must choose to increase positive and loving behaviors, from words of love and affection to behaviors, as simple as a hug and kiss, to special gifts, and reengagement together.
To become reconciled to God, to another, can and will be a transforming process. It will reshape one’s personality and faith in one’s self and in one’s Faith.
This article first appeared in the Farmington Observer.
Dr. Paul Melrose
