Shame and Anger
Shame is that emotion that saps the way we feel about ourselves; one of my friends says that it is the “underlying issue of low self-esteem.” There is one kind of shame that people can stand up to, something more normal and temporary. It can provide messages about things we need to know, some behavior or attitude to address. But, many people I see in my office have a sense of excessive shame, the kind that does not go away.
Shame is different from guilt. Guilt arises when we have done something wrong. While shame is a universal experience shame says that we “are something wrong.” When shame is unhealthy and distorted it drags us down. There can be repeated acts or thoughts or chronic events which continue to give one the message that he/she is a shameful person. Shame hits everyone at some level. If you do not feel shame much or at all it is likely you are well defended and that shame is lurking somewhere. That is fine as long as the defense mechanisms last.
People may deny that they feel shame. They may withdraw from a situation or a person that brings up shame. Denial simply says, “No, that is not me.” Using withdrawal occurs when one is feeling so bad about him/herself that one cannot look another person in the eye; that will make my shame worse. So, where does anger come in?
Shame has great pain attached to it. Anger often starts with the experience of pain. When one is in pain the pain can lead t arousal and discharge. When one is in pain one can blame others for how one feels. One can feel angry about how he/she feels. When this anger is perpetuated by chronic low self esteem or an attitude that keeps one from feeling like an okay person the anger will not let up. The experience of grace is remote and distant.
There are strategies for managing shame. Anger management programs may help restore a balance of healthy and unhealthy shame. To manage one’s anger effectively is an experience of grace in itself. There are three areas of exercises, which I teach in classes using a workbook, which give a person a program not to deny their anger but learn to mange it. Some of the things, which don’t work, are denial, withdrawal, perfectionism, rage, and ventilation.
Anger is different from aggression. Anger is an emotion. Aggression is behavior. In addressing anger it is important to address both. A combination of learning more about your anger, using various forms of muscle relaxation, and developing a new approach to this emotion are all ways to transform your anger from being rooted in shame to becoming an experience of grace.
This article originally appeared in the Observer Eccentric.
Dr. Paul Melrose
