Some Thoughts On Shame
We always want to put our best foot forward. We want people to see the best we have to offer. What happens though we feel we have made a fool of ourselves? What happens when our best-laid plans for an event don’t go well? You feel that redness in your face, as it heats up in temperature. You feel that queasiness in your stomach. You wish you were in hiding. When we strive to put our best foot forward and something comes in the way of our doing that we often feel the experience of shame.
I call shame an experience, not just a feeling. Shame often comes to us with messages as
“Why did I mess up?” “What’s wrong with me?” “When will I get this right?” “I can’t do anything right. They were right when they told me I fail at everything I do.” Any of these messages conveys an aura of “I am not worthy”, or “I am not good enough”. More than just a feeling of “bad”, or “embarrassment”, “or “ anxiety” there is a whole self experience. When one is feeling shame it can relate to a thought of how bad a person I have been my whole life. One friend mine says “Shame is when we are something wrong.” This same friend points out that shame can be both healthy and unhealthy. Our healthy shame is “normal and temporary”; it alerts us to do our homework to remind us that we are still good people. Unhealthy shame is distorted and excessive. It is the product of repeated and /or prolonged events and messages. There is a chronic quality to this kind of shame.
Shame is often at the root of unhelpful thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Shame can take many forms and work against the fulfilling lives we are trying to lead in relationship to our selves, others, and our world. Another friend of mine has observed that the cure for shame is grace. What he means by grace is that ability to be accepted for who we are, warts and all. To know that in spite of or because of our limitations, imperfections, inadequacies and shortcomings we are still good and accepted people. This same friend quotes a line from the vocal group U2. “Grace, she covers the shame”. There is a way out of shame: that is through grace.
In the next three articles that will follow this one I will look at grace in relationship to three specific feelings: anger, anxiety, assertiveness. I will give you a brief look at how when these emotions are based solely in shame they can be your enemy but when based in grace they can be your friends. The overall approach to shame is to find someone with whom you can share your secrets and your shame based selves. That person could be a friend, life partner, pastor, therapist, and caregiver from your congregation. If that is not enough give us a call at Samaritan; we may be able to help. If you are feeling anger, anxiety, and lack of assertiveness in ways that are not helpful, check out these links on my website, www.paulmelrose.com. There may be some help there for you to address these issues. You are an okay person. When you feel that way you can live the life you desire and help others to do the same.
Dr. Paul Melrose
