The Battle of Work Stress and Family Stress
The battle of work stress versus family stress seems to exist in almost every household to which my work as a pastoral psychotherapist takes me. The complaints are legion; the complaints take many forms. Some say that my spouse (husband or wife) is not home enough because he/she is so absorbed in work. Others complain that with the job, or jobs, the kids needs, and the running of the household that there is no time to be a couple. The presenting problem identified by so many individuals, couples, or families is “how do I balance my work time and my home time?”
Some fantasize or imagine that a therapist with a religious appreciation will have some special tricks to immediately solve the problem. Perhaps the right prayer will get me through this. If I just get right with God then all will be well. Give me the recipe for a happy and balanced life. There are two responses that I can think of to these presenting questions. I do believe there are some things which you can try which work for many people. I also believe that for most of us there are more complicated and longstanding thought and behavior patterns, influenced by powerful feelings which should be worked through the make the kinds of changes that one wants and needs to make. The responses are not mutually exclusive. For many people the first approach might be to develop some things to try. But, if and when the initial concrete suggestions do not suffice then longer and deeper look into the issues might be necessary.
To put together a work life and a family life is to put together expectations and priorities. The balance is in part between material things and human values. I would suggest that the parents’ with their heart in their faith are going to lean strongly to more time with spouse and children than the cleanest house and the best looking yard. Putting together a work life with a home life is a challenge, and takes careful planning. But it is not impossible.
Some of the many suggestions that one can find are find ways to reduce personal stress. Simplify your lifestyle. Do things as a family, such as having children participate in chores. Alternate who takes a child to different activities. Use the time in the car to visit and talk. Find ways to support civil, not perfect, behavior. Have a sense of humor about your self and what goes on around you. Have alternatives for childcare. Make sure you and your spouse keep your relationship in good shape.
In addition to these suggestions try to look for the positive. Be generous not only with each other but also through your house of worship, civic group or other agency generous with those around you. Generosity is not only healing in and of itself but it helps you put your own life situation into perspective.
Be clear on what you can change and what you cannot. While we think we must have certain possessions, do certain activities, and live in a certain lifestyle some of those choices may be self-imposed. Perhaps the things you cannot change are the hours that school begins, certain job requirements, and traffic on the way to work. Within the activities that seem cast in stone look for the cracks. On a long commute listening to soothing music or a book on tape may be what you need to put you in a better mood for the office or home. Allowing a little more time for breakfast, by getting up a little earlier, may be just the ticket to remain connected with your spouse or family.
The religious family does not have any particular magic in handling this all too common balance. Most religions challenge us as to what is ultimate and where are priorities lie. The kind of relationships which we seek, as informed by our faith, give us a major clue as to helping us take the people dimension of the balance seriously.
One study of mothers and fathers who both work determined that working fathers reported depression because of lack of a supportive spouse and feeling insignificant in their role. Working mothers reported feeling depressed where there was not a sharing of tasks in the home. When fathers feel values and mothers feel that the work of the home is shared the work and family balance goes along way to feeling balanced. The values, from our faith, which we place on the love we have for ourselves and therefore for others, particularly our families, provide the framework for creating our own particular life’s routine of fulfillment and happiness.
This article first appeared in the Farmington Observer.
Dr. Paul Melrose
