The Faith of the Sandwich Generation
I have had both friends and clients tell me that when one is a member of the sandwich generation sometimes one can feel as if they have lost their faith. The Sandwich Generation is that generation of middle aged adults who are caught in the middle of what their teenage to adult children want, and what their parents want and need, as they themselves pay attention to what they want and need. The Sandwich Generation Member feels like they have lost their faith when the stress of this balancing act becomes too great. On the other hand it can take all of the faith which one has to feel as if they are adequately paying attention to these three important sets of needs.
There is probably no simple advice coming forth from Scripture to give us quick, simple and clear guidelines as to how to do this. The older models do not always work. Previous generations have, like ours, faced the issues of both the raising of children and eldercare. Simply put elder care was accomplished through family and community living. Previous generations had at least some, if not all, extended family in the same geographical location. Children and grandchildren were involved in the lives of older relatives. There was often mutual care; the older generation took care of the younger when the middle generation worked.
Many changes have occurred. Now families live far apart. The age range is greater as older people live longer, middle aged folks have waited longer to start a family, and it is often a challenge financially to put it all together.
Each generation needs and wants a sense of control and purpose. Inner control allows one to feel that they have power over their environment and make their own decisions. But this is the crucial loss for the older generation as they loose capabilities and skills. External control means there is a feeling of no control over what happens. Both the middle and older generations can feel that way, especially if the needs of the older folks are huge and the middle generation is caught among their needs, those of their parents, and those of their children.
Some of the things which the Sandwich Generation Members can do to help themselves with these huge life changes might involve launching their children with greater responsibility for their lives. Keep their marriage fresh. Pay attention to your own work and career and make sure it is not put on the back burner. Prepare for the inevitabilities of what aging does, both to parents and to yourself. Review roles and responsibilities to allow for maximum support in your own household and as you care for the older relatives. Both men and women need to participate in the care of the older relative. Review your life to assess if you are where you hoped you would be by middle age. Help your parents, if they are able, to do a life review and assess where they are.
Other more practical considerations might include clarity and ease of household management, your own and the living situation of the parents. Have a financial plan for yourselves, your kids and your parents. Make use not only of family but friends and other community resources in the care of your parents. Do not let your parents needs overwhelm and push aside those of yourself. Keep everyone abreast of health problems and other changes with the older adults.
This is not a complete list. But, as we value our parents, as we think of ourselves as part of the family of our faith community, and as we focus on the kind of care we would hope for ourselves, we can gather some of the strength needed to survive the Sandwich Generation Years.
This article first appeared in the Farmington Observer.
Dr. Paul Melrose
