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There are so many changes going on around us that it seems impossible to keep up. Maybe it is. Jobs are changing, through loss. Companies are closing. Houses are not selling. People are moving. Some are afraid to move. Less income is placing much stress on all of us. A method to handle all of this stress is important. One author, William Bridges, has a model which he has written about and which I will summarize here.
Dr. Bridges makes the distinction between change, which is situational, and transition, which is psychological. In his book, Transitions, Making Sense of Life’s Changes, he describes the difference and describes what is needed to go through a transition, or transitions, often precipitated by unanticipated change. Transition is psychological in that it requires and redirection of your life internally and a new self definition: that I have go to through an inner transition to handle the changes in my life. It is a move from the way things are (were) to the new “way things are going to be”.
There are three steps to making this inner transition. The first move is to recognize the ending: to let go of the old (current) situation. The second step, the longest and the hardest, is to enter, go through, and come out on the other side of the neutral zone: that place where I suffer the confusion of giving up, letting go, and making the journey from here to there. The final step is a new beginning: starting off in the new situation. At the time of ending we disengage, or separate ourselves from familiar social places. We dismantle old habits, and behaviors, our familiar infrastructure. We disidentify in that our old identity, i.e., I am an employee of “X” company, is no longer who we are. It assumes, temporarily, non identity. We become disenchanted with the beliefs which sustained us. We become disorientated as there is a deepening of a sense of lostness or confusion. Endings are experiences of dying.
The neutral zone becomes our place of self renewal. What is real does not seem real but rather becomes transparent. The things we depended on don’t look so certain: they become an illusion. What we do is let this sense of emptiness grow. We need this time to find out more about ourselves. We are more than who we were before the ending occurred. We can write an autobiography so that we might identify those things that keep us moving. What do you really want? That may be a guide to moving you through the neutral zone to a beginning. This is not a neat time. It feels like being lost or the Hebrew Bible idea of journey through the wilderness. It may occur before the ending occurs. It takes time and invites you to be with your innermost thoughts and feelings.
In the New Beginning much is happening. There can be a feeling of betrayal to old ways and relationships. There is a need to distinguish between a new beginning and a defensive reaction to the ending. The reorganization of the kitchen after the husband retires may actually be a first step to redefining the husband/wife relationship. Take things step by step. Act, Identify yourself with the new beginning, i.e., I am out of work, I am retired, I am single etc.
The Beginning is really the End. It is the process of bringing us back to ourselves in a new way. Our new identity integrates with our old one. There is an old Zen saying which says: “after enlightenment, the laundry.” Welcome to the new place. The book is readable and workable. It is a wonderful guide to aid you in the myriad changes going on around you. Good luck. You will come out on the other side, a new person in a new situation.
Dr. Paul J. Melrose is Executive Director of the Samaritan Counseling Center of
SE Michigan. He can be reached at
www.paulmelrose.com or though 248-474-4701. The staff of the Samaritan
Center is available at
www.samaritancounselingmichigan.com or through 248-474-4701.
Paul J. Melrose, D. Min, LMFT
Executive Director
Samaritan Counseling Center of SE Michigan
29887 West Eleven Mile Road
Farmington Hills, MI 48336
(voice) 248-474-4701
(fax) 248-474-1518
www.paulmelrose.com
www.samaritancounselingmichigan.com
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