Do I Want to Change or Not? |
This is a question I hear all the time in my psychotherapy practice. Actually the way it more often is shared it comes out “I don’t want to change but I don’t like the way things are.” But most often what brings an individual or couple of family to our agency is the awareness that the way that things are cannot continue the way they are. There is too much emotional or psychological or spiritual pain in the family. It is expressed by verbal, and in some cases, physical fighting, sadness at being home or with yourself, change in pattern of normal behavior, a malaise. Sometimes a request for therapy comes from someone who reports that a friend or spouse sees them as “not there” somehow.
There is at the root of this struggle a fear of change. Regardless of how bad things are at least the present pattern is familiar. There is an acceptance of what is; it is predictable and there are no surprises, or not too many. Besides, you say, I can handle this on my own. As one therapist has formulated the question, “Have you ever resolved to “do better”, only to find yourself reverting to familiar destructive patterns?” The fear of change is in conflict with the need to change. What aids in this struggle is if a person can achieve a balance between the seeking change part of you and the resistant part of you. When a reasonable balance is arrived at a person, or couple or family find they can consider enough change to adapt and grow and alter the present situation but not change so much as to make themselves unrecognizable to self and others. A person will survive as who that person is. Change is not about becoming such a new person as to unhinge you from your roots and history. What may happen though is that through the therapeutic process one can find out that there was more to him/herself than was known so that this one can feel like a new person.
Change is a process. I referred to a balance above, a balance between seeking and resisting change. It can happen that if these two forces are out of balance not enough change might occur or there could be too much change too soon and failure might occur. That is why therapy is a process. So that the kind of change one is looking for, needs, and hopes to find can be worked with enough until a reasonable balance is found.
One writer sees the therapeutic process as including becoming aware that change is needed, coming up with a plan for change, and acquiring new skills and techniques. Some of the ways that a client in therapy will start to become aware that change is occurring might include: motivation and readiness (“I was desperate to get back to my old self”); tools and strategies (“It's the changes in behavior that I learned”); learning (“I would take a lot of stuff home to read about assertiveness”); interaction with therapist (“...they don’t judge your character or think they know you”); perceived aspects of self (“I am a strong person mentally”); and the relief of talking (“Let me get everything out, let me relieve myself of everything”). Understand that writing about a process of change is not as dynamic as the process itself. Often the above ways just listed are not sequential but the therapy process is a journey in and back and through and amongst these areas, and maybe others, until the right balance for that person, couple, family is achieved.
When you experience such a conflict between whether or not change is needed in your life that may be a good time to talk to a professional, so that you can assessment whether the kind of change you are looking for requires therapy, a good book, a self help group or some other means. Don’t stay stuck where you are. You may just be giving into the fear of change when something new in your life is needed and will make your life fulfilling.
Dr. Paul J. Melrose is Executive Director of the Samaritan Counseling Center of SE Michigan. He can be reached at www.paulmelrose.com or through 248-474-4701. The Staff of the Samaritan Counseling Center can be reached through www.samaritancounselingmichigan.com or through 248-474-4701.